This week is Maternal Mental Health Awareness week. It also happened to be the week where I finished reading Laura Dockrill’s inspiring 2020 memoir, What Have I Done?, which recounts her experience of postnatal depression and postpartum psychosis. As a dad, here are three reasons why I’m really thankful for this important book.
Reason 1: Expectations
“You might not instantly love your baby.” It was refreshing to read Laura Dockrill write these words.
I know as a new parent you’re supposed to feel incomparable joy, accompanied by a whole new perspective on life, a love like you’ve never loved before, and a general sense of glowing.
That’s what people seem to expect. These are the kinds of things we heard before we had our first child.
But the reality can be very different.
Loving a newborn baby can be really hard work. Not everyone feels an instant connection. The baby may feel like “a tiny stranger”. New parents may just feel a bit weird. And the lack of sleep that people joke about can be brutal.
But it’s hard to admit to any of that as a new parent. It’s hard to talk about your actual experience, when the expectations around you are so high.
And if, like Laura, you develop a postpartum mental illness, this gap between expectation and reality will fuel your sense of being a failure, a bad mum, an impostor.
So, I’m thankful that Laura has shared her story honestly. Many parents, of course, won’t relate to much of Laura’s experiences. But some will. This memoir is a helpful corrective to unhelpful antenatal expectations.
New (and expectant) mums and dads need to know that every childbirth experience is different, and every neonatal experience is different. And if their experience doesn’t involve glowing, they need to be reassured that this doesn’t make them a failure.
Reason 2: Awareness
“It felt so amazing to have a name for what was happening to me.”
This was Laura’s response to a midwife diagnosing her with postnatal depression (PND). If you struggle with some form of depression, you may be able to relate to that kind of feeling.
But not all mums get to that point of a diagnosis, or they reach that point many months later.
From our experience as parents, PND is still not talked about as widely as it could be. Discussions about mental health are not always part of the routine followup for new mums and dads. But it’s hard to get help for PND when you don’t realise that’s an option. And, as Laura notes, some struggling mums have their symptoms dismissed as “just the baby blues.”
So, I’m thankful that Laura has written down her experiences to help raise awareness of maternal mental health issues. I’m sure this book has already prompted many important conversations since it was first published, and I’m sure it will prompt many more.
She has a wonderful ability to put her thoughts and experiences into words. This can’t have been easy, especially when reflecting on her psychosis. But this will help both sufferers and supporters to understand more of the reality of maternal mental ill-health, as well as legitimising these illnesses and offering reassurance that help is available.
Reason 3: Hope
“Time heals. It’s a cliché, but guess what, guys? It actually does.”
From my own experience of depression, I know the power of other people’s stories. When you’re in the midst of illness, it may feel like nothing will ever get better. But this memoir offers hope from the other side. Things change.
Laura Dockrill’s experience of postpartum illness was severe. She had intense hallucinations and delusional thoughts. She needed to be hospitalised, away from her baby.
But now she’s written a book about it, using the past tense. Things get better. There is help available, and it does actually help.
And this isn’t just a story of hope for sufferers, but for their supporters too. One of the factors in the speed of Laura’s recovery was the support of her family. They persevered even when her psychotic paranoid mind was pushing them away. If you’re currently seeking to encourage someone with serious mental health issues, this is a memoir of hope for you too.
So, I’m thankful for this book.
As a dad, I’m thankful that someone has shared so openly about experiences that many parents, to some degree, will be able to relate to.
As a friend to expectant mothers, I’m thankful for the reminders of how to support new parents who are struggling.
And as a pastor, I’m thankful for another memoir of hope, as we look forward to the day when every tear will be wiped away.